s the opposite of joy?" he asked one student.
"Sadness," he replied.
"The opposite of depression?" he asked another student.
"Elation," he replied.
"The opposite of woe?" the prof asked a young woman from Texas.The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddyup."

Man's Best Friend
A poodle and a collie were walking down the street. The poodle turned to the collie and complained, "My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German shepherd, and I'm nervous as a cat."
"Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?" asked the collie.
"I can't," replied the poodle. "I'm not allowed on the couch."

Next Time, Let's Stay in a Hotel
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby.
"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground."
The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim cries.
"He says you're gonna die."
Break It To Her Gently
Six guys are playing poker. After losing $500 on one hand, Smith clutches his chest and topples over, dead at the table. To decide who's going to tell his wife, his buddies draw straws. Anderson picks the short one.
"Break it to her gently," they all urge.
"Leave it to me," he says. When Smith's wife comes to the door, Anderson says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."
"How much?" the wife yells, eyes blazing. "Tell him to drop dead!"

What's Black and White and ...
A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"

Swimming With Sharks
What do you get when you cross a librarian and a lawyer? All the information you want, except you can't understand it.

The Talking Clock
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to the bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that brass gong for?" asked the friend.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? How's it work?"
"Watch this," said the drunk. He took a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and waited. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "Hey, you jerk. It's 3:00 in the morning!"

A Little Perspective Goes a Long Way
A man walks out of a bar and sees a bum panhandling on the corner. The bum says, "Mister, can you spare a dollar?"
The man thinks a minute. Then he asks the bum, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it to buy liquor?"
"No," says the bum.
The man then asks, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it for gambling?"
Again the bum says, "No."
So the man says to the bum, "Do you mind coming home with me so I can show my wife what happens to someone who doesn't drink or gamble?"

Quickies
Two nuns, a penguin, a man with a parrot on his shoulder and a giraffe walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

The nurse said to the doctor, "There's an invisible man in the waiting room." The doctor replied, "Tell him I can't see him now."

I saw two dogs walk over to a parking meter. One said to the other, "How do you like that? Pay toilets."

Do you know about the two TV antennas that got married? The wedding was terrible, but the reception was terrific. Do you know what you get when you play a country song backward? You get your job back, you get your house back, your wife back, your truck back ...

This Is Not The Internet
I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The triage nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight and 125 pounds." While the nurse pondered this information, my mother leaned over to me. "Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet."

Laryngitis
After a close friend moved away, we began communicating by computer. We met each week in her favorite chat room and would type for hours. One night I had a high fever and swollen larynx, and felt too sick to chat, so I dashed off a brief note cancelling our cyber-plans, then fell exhausted into bed. My friend seemed upset when I phoned her a few days later. "If you don't want to go on the Net with me," she said, "just say so." Perplexed, I retrieved the last e-mail I'd sent her. It read "I won't be able to talk to you on the computer tonight. I have laryngitis."

Here - Let Me Show You
I was on duty as an emergency-room technician when a father brought in his son, who had poked a tire from one of his toy trucks up his nose. The man was embarrassed, but I assured him this was something kids often do. I quickly removed the tire and they were on their way. A few minutes later, the father was back in the ER asking to talk to me in private. Mystified, I led him to an examining room. "While we were on our way home," he began, "I was looking at that little tire and wondering, how on earth did my son get this thing stuck up his nose and . . ." It took just a few seconds to get the tire out of Dad's nose.

Not Enough Information
Stopping to pick up my daughter at kindergarten, I found out that the topic of show and tell that day had been parents' occupations. The teacher pulled me aside. Whispering, she advised, "You might want to explain a little bit more to your daughter what you do for a living." I work as a training consultant and often conduct my seminars in motel conference rooms. When I asked why, the teacher explained, "Your daughter told the class she wasn't sure what you did, but said you got dressed real pretty and went to work at motels."

Can Pilots Fly?
I worked in the biology department at Buffalo State College in New York. The Great Lakes Laboratory, also stationed at the college, employed a licensed boat captain to man its research vessel. It was common knowledge that the captain couldn't swim. When newcomers learned of this, they would often approach him about it. "Is it true?" one of them asked incredulously. "You, a boat captain, can't swim?" "No, I can't!" he replied. "Can pilots fly?"

If You Say So
My colleague used to work as a receptionist at an upscale salon. After greeting clients, she would ask them to change into a protective gown. One afternoon a serious-looking businessman entered the salon, and was directed to the changing room and told the gowns were hanging on the hooks inside. Minutes later he emerged. "I'm ready," he called out. My friend gasped. Instead of a gown, the man was wearing something another client had left hanging in the room -- a floral blouse with shoulder pads.

That Is A Pretty Whale
As an obstetrician, I sometimes see unusual tattoos when working in labour and delivery. One patient had some type of fish tattoo on her abdomen. "That sure is a pretty whale," I commented. With a smile she replied, "It used to be a dolphin."

Watch What You Say
Finishing up our work at a trade show in San Diego, my co-worker Maureen and I decided to go sightseeing across the border in Tijuana, Mexico. While there, we went shopping and bought a few pieces of clay kitchenware. As we crossed back into the United States, a customs official asked if we had anything of value to report. "Not really," Maureen replied, digging in her bag for the bean crock she had purchased. Everyone around us froze as she continued, "I only bought a little pot."

Talk About History
I was manning the register at a busy Italian restaurant when a customer walked up with his check, totaling $14.92. "That's when Columbus discovered America," he commented. "You don't really believe that, do you?" I responded. "I mean, the Native Americans were here long before he showed up." We continued in this vein for several minutes. Meanwhile, a line had begun to form. After my customer left, the next patron in line came up to my counter and impatiently asked me what was going on. "Oh, we were talking about historical events," I said. "Well, then," said the irritated customer, "can you tell me what happened the year I started waiting in line?"

Lots of Room On The List
Confiding in a co-worker, I told her about a problem in our office and my fear that I would lose my job. She was concerned and said she would pray for me. I know she keeps a list of the ten people she believes need her prayers the most, so I asked if she had room for me on her list. "Oh, yes," she replied. "Three of the people have died."

Please Put Your Mommy on the Phone
My husband, Jeff, and I incurred several problems while assembling our new computer system, so we called the help desk. The man on the phone started to talk to Jeff in computer jargon, which confused us even more. "Sir," my husband politely said, "please explain what I should do as if I were a four-year-old." "Okay," the computer technician replied. "Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?"

Grinding Teeth - No Way
Our crew at an ambulance company works 24-hour shifts. The sleeping quarters consist of a large room with several single beds, so we get to know one another's habits, like who snores or talks in their sleep. While I was having my teeth examined by a dentist one day, he noticed that some of my teeth were chipped. "It looks like you clench your jaw at night," he said. "No way," I blurted without thinking. "No one has ever said I grind my teeth, and I sleep with a lot of people!"

Watch Your Step
The large office building that I work in is showing signs of its advanced age. Structural and cosmetic renovations began well over two years ago, and no end is in sight. The chronic chaos moves unpredictably from floor to floor. The tenants apparently are feeling the stress. Posted in the elevator one morning was a hand-lettered warning sign left by the workmen: "Watch your step -- floors 3, 4 and 5." By lunchtime, someone had added, "have been removed."

How Badly Did He Play?
As a nightclub owner, I hired a pianist and a drummer to entertain my customers. After several performances, I discovered the drummer had walked away with some of my valuables. I notified police, who arrested him. Desperate for another drummer, I called a friend who knew some musicians. "What happened to the drummer you had?" he asked me. "I had him arrested," I replied. We said good-bye and hung up. A few minutes later my friend called back and asked, "How badly did he play?"

I’m Listening
One of my most difficult tasks as a flight attendant is to enforce rules while keeping customers happy. The electronic equipment that comes on board creates the greatest challenge. I walk the aisle asking passengers to turn off computers, electronic games and cell phones, which can create interference in communications between the pilot and the air traffic control tower. During one landing, a man persistently kept his cell phone at his ear. I confronted him and said, "Sir, you cannot talk on your phone until we reach the gate." "I am not talking," he replied. "I'm listening."

And Then There Were Two
My fellow teacher called for help -- she needed someone who knew about animals. As a science teacher, I filled the bill. "Oh," she added, "bring a net." Expecting to find some kind of beast as I entered her classroom, I was greeted instead by the sight of excited kids watching a hummingbird fly around. Rather than use the net, I suggested they hang red paper by an open door. The bird would be drawn to it, I explained, and eventually fly out. Later, the teacher called back. The trick worked. "Now," she said, "we have two hummingbirds flying around the room."

Does He Have A Last Name?
Before setting off on a business trip to Tulsa, I called the hotel where I'd be staying to see if they had a gym. The hotel operator's sigh had a tinge of exasperation in it. "We have over 300 guests at this facility," she said. "Does this `Gym' have a last name?"

Kids Say The Darndest Things
My father was often away on lengthy tours of duty, leaving my mother to manage five kids by herself. While he was away we used to sneak into their room to sleep. So before shipping out one time, Dad reminded us to respect Mom's space and sleep in our own rooms. Upon his return, as he disembarked the plane with the rest of his unit, my brother ran up to him, jumped into his arms and loudly announced, "Dad, you're going to be so happy. While you were gone this time, nobody slept with Mom."

A Long Waiting Line
I was working at the base exchange one busy day when the line grew quite long. There was much grumbling among those waiting, but one man made light of the situation. He approached a woman who was obviously very pregnant and tapped her on the shoulder. "Would you mind my asking a personal question?" he said. "Were you pregnant when you got in this line?"

Sound Like Anyone You Know?
The notorious cheapskate finally decide to have a Christmas party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to room 319 and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door opens, push with your foot."

"Why do I have to use my elbow and foot?" asked the friend.

"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You’re not coming empty-handed, are you?"

Here, Let Me Help You
In the early morning hours the young woman heard a tapping on her bedroom window. There on a ladder was her boyfriend. Their elopement was going according to plan. "Are you ready?", he asked.

"Yes," answered the woman. "But don’t talk so loud. You might wake my father up."

"Wake him up? Who do you think is holding the ladder."

Country Traditions!
There once was a country family which followed a tradition of naming all babies within an hour of their birth. One day a member of that family was rushed to the hospital, where she gave birth to twins. At the same time, her husband was rushed to the hospital unconscious with a head injury received when he fell off his tractor. When the man came to, he was informed that his wife had given birth to a boy and girl two hours before, and his brother had given them names.

"Oh, no, not my brother," groaned the man. "He’s such a practical joker. What did he name them?"

"He named the girl Denise," replied the nurse.

"Oh, I like that name," said the man, obviously relieved. "What did he name the boy?"

"Denephew."

Yard Sale Logic
One Saturday my wife came back from yet another yard sale with an armful of packages and a big smile. She began explaining each bargain to me. Finally, she held up a pair of olive-drab slacks, declaring proudly, "I paid only fifty cents for these."

I did a double take. "But aren’t those the same pants you sold for one dollar at our yard sale last year?"

"Yes," she admitted with a giggle. "But this year they fit me, and I’m fifty cents ahead!"

Keep The Change
A mother saw her three-year-old son put a nickel into his mouth and swallow it. She immediately picked him up, turned him upside down and hit him on the back, whereupon he coughed up two dimes. Frantic, she called to the father outside, "Your son just swallowed a nickel and coughed up two dimes! What should I do?

Yelled back the father, "Keep feeding him nickels!"

Innocence
A six-year old girl showed her mother a picture of a fat cat she had drawn. She told her mom that the cat was going to have kittens, then promptly outlined in pencil, four very small kittens inside the cat’s body. The mother, seizing an opportunity to perhaps initiate a discussion about reproduction asked, "Do you know how they got there?’

Looking seriously at her mother, the little girl answered, "Of course I know. I drew them."

How True!
A preacher wrote on the blackboard: "I pray for all."

A lawyer wrote underneath: "I plead for all."

A doctor added: "I prescribe for all."

An ordinary passerby came along and muttered: "I pay for it all!"

Real Value!
Two young women met a frog on the street.

"Kiss me," the frog said, "and I’ll turn into an independent, wealthy oilman."

One of the women picked him up and put him in her purse.

"Aren’t you going to kiss him?" the other asked.

"No. A talking frog is really worth something."

A Real Baseball Fan!
A psychiatrist was treating a man whose complaint was that baseball had become an obsession. "It’s so bad I can’t sleep. I no sooner close my eyes than I’m out on the pitcher’s mound or running around the bases. I wake up more exhausted than I was when I went to bed. What can I do?"

"Why don’t you try dreaming of a beautiful girl in your arms," said the doctor.

"Are you crazy? And lose my turn at bat?"

A Reason For Every Golfer To Be Good!
When the avid golfer arrived in Hades, he was overjoyed to find himself on the most beautiful golf course he’d ever seen. Grabbing a complete set of top-line pro clubs sitting next to the first tee, he gleefully asked Satan, "Where are the golf balls?"

Replied his host with a leer, "There isn’t a single one in the whole place - that’s the hell of it!"

A Silly Question
An elderly farmer was brought into the hospital because he appeared confused and was thought to have had a stroke. Attempting to assess his mental state, the doctor asked, "If you have a hundred sheep in a pasture and seven escape, how many will be left?"

"Zero," replied the farmer.

"No, the answer is ninety-three," said the doctor.

"Fella," the farmer replied, "You don’t know nothin’ about sheep. When one of them dumb critters decides to go, they all go."

No Further Arguments
"Your honour," the accused hit-and-run driver’s lawyer pleaded, "That pedestrian who was injured must have been careless. My client is an experienced driver of more than twenty years!"

"If experience is the issue here," the other attorney countered, "my client has been walking for over fifty years."

Through the Eyes Of A Child
A mother had taken her three-year-old daughter to the supermarket one hot summer day. An attractive young black woman in a brightly coloured flowered dress was pushing her basket in the opposite direction and they kept passing each other as they turned up each aisle. The little girl had never seen a black person and her eyes sparkled with interest. The girl’s mother was beginning to feel uncomfortable, wondering how the black lady must feel being starred at by her daughter.

When they both reached the checkout the young woman was in front of the mother and her daughter when the little girl asked inquisitively , "Mommy?" When the mother tried to avoid the obvious, the little girl said again, "Mommy?"

Then in a whisper, the girl said, "Mommy? Isn’t it a pretty dress that lady’s wearing."

The Customer Is Always Right
"How did you lose your job at the clothing store?" a woman asked her friend.

"Well, after trying on about twenty-five dresses, this one fussy rich lady said to me, "I think I’d look nicer in something flowing."

The friend replied, "I just looked at her and told her to try the French River."

It Wasn’t Me!
"Congratulations," said a voice on the telephone. "You have just won the grand prize of a million dollars on your lottery ticket. Are you happy."

"Deliriously happy!" exclaimed the winner.

"And what is the first thing you are going to do?" asked the voice.

"Tell my friends it wasn’t me."

Who Should Pay?
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were killed in a car accident. They arrived at the gates of heaven, where a flustered Saint Peter explained that there had been a mistake. "Give me $500 each," he said, "and I’ll return you to earth as if the whole thing never happened."

"Done!" said the American. Instantly he found himself standing unhurt near the scene.

"Where are the others?" a medic asked.

"Last I knew," said the American, "the Scot was haggling price, and the Canadian was arguing that his government should pay."

Neat Trick!
Jones applied to a finance agency for a job, but he had no experience. He was so intense that that manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he’d get the job. Two hours later, Jones came back with the whole amount. "Amazing!" the manager said. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," Jones replied. "I told him if he didn’t pay up, I’d tell all his other creditors he paid us."

Wrong Way!
The miserly millionaire called a family conference. "I’m placing a box of money in the attic," he said. "When I die, I intend to grab it on my way up to heaven. See to it that no one touches it until it’s my time to go."

The family respected his wishes. After his death the millionaire’s wife looked in the attic. The box was still there. "The fool!" she said. "I told him he should have put it in the basement."

Too Much Consultation!
A Japanese company and an American company had a boat race, and the Japanese won by a kilometre. The Americans hired analysts to figure out what went wrong. They reported that the Japanese had one person managing and seven rowing, while the Americans had seven managing and only one rowing. The American company immediately restructured its team. Now they had one senior manager, six management consultants and one rower.

In the rematch the Japanese won by two kilometres. So the American company fired the rower.

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"

Why Are You Crying?
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.
I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said, "I can't remember where I live!" 

What’s In A Name?
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her.
For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Quickies
Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

People over 35 should be dead!
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, or even maybe the early 70's probably shouldn't have survived.

Our baby cribs were covered with bright-colored, lead-based paint. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seatbelts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat. We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. NO CELL PHONES!!!!!

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64s, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable (no cable), video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms. We had friends! We went outside and found them.

We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt.

We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

They were accidents, but no one was to blame but us.

We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.

We were disciplined by our friends' parents and neighbors too...and our parents approved.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment, and try harder next time.

Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade.

Tests were not adjusted for any reason.

Our actions were our own.

Consequences were expected.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. And if our teachers disciplined us, so did our parents! They actually sided with what was right.

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever.

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

And you're one of them!

Congratulations!

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church If...
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if.....people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

You Know Your Church is a Redneck Church if....when the Pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering." Five guys and two women stand up.

You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if....opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if....a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." (Love it!) My favorite one!!

You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if....the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if....in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if....Baptism is referred to as branding".

You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if...high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if...people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if....the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if...the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if...the collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if...instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.

You Know Your Church is a Redneck Church if...the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if...the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if..."Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.

You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if...the final words of the benediction are, "Ya'll come back now!! Ya Hear".

They’re Dead Ma’am
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

I Got Here As Fast As I Could
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day", the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Watch Dogs
A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. The friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" answered the blonde."They're watch dogs!"

Real Church Bulletin Announcements
The following announcements have appeared in various church bulletins.

Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.

Thursday night - potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev, and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

-his afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the Church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed," accompanied by the Pastor.

Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly, and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

My Wife Told Me To Stand Here
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

One Way To Make Her Move
A plane is on its way to houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy Class and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to ther seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The Pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak Blonde."

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry." And she gets up and goes back to her seat in Economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asks him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

I told her, "First Class isn't going to Houston."

You Started It
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked the hotshot young Engineer, fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The engineer cooly said, "In the neighborhoodof $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years for starters, say, a red Corvette?"

The engineer tried to control his excitement, but sat straight up and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

"Yeah," the interviewer shrugged, "But you started it."

AUTO MAINTENANCE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!" FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minute she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."

DOG NAMES
A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HelOOOooo," answered the blonde "They're watch dogs

DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts whenever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor, "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbows and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says "No, I'm really a blonde, I just dyed my hair last week."
"I thought so, " he says. "Your finger is broken."

We Don’t Communicate
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.

The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

The farmer said, "Yeah, I want to get one of them dayvorces."

The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yeah, I got about 140 acres."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yeah, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."

The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes, sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney said, "Okay, let me put it this way: why do you want a divorce?"

The farmer replied, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

ACTUAL HEADLINES
"New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group"

"Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft"

"Kids Make Nutritious Snacks"

"Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy"

"Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire"
"Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood"

"Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half"

"New Vaccine May Contain Rabies"

"Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors"

"Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms"

"Eye Drops Off Shelf"

"Teacher Strikes Idle Kids"

"Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead"

"Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax"

"Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told"

"Miners Refuse to Work after Death"

"Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant"

"Stolen Painting Found by Tree"

"Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter"

The Difference Between Men and Women
NICKNAMES:
If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle.
But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT:
And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things.
A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.
Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks.
When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

CATS:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days.
A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry.
When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
  
OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THE HELP LINE
This is a true story from the WordPerfect help line. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialog of a former Word perfect Customer Support employee:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
".......Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

Great Truths from Children
No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.

Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.

Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.

School lunches stick to the wall.

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

It's hard to unlearn a bad word.

Ask Why until you understand.

It's easier to see the mistakes on someone else's paper.

A pencil without an eraser may as well just be a pen.

It's only fun to play school when you're the teacher.

Sometimes the best one in the play has the fewest lines.

Twelve is a lot older than eight.

Crawling still gets you there.

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.

Your room gets smaller as you get bigger.

You can't start over just because you're losing the game.

A snow day is more fun than a vacation day.

All libraries smell the same.
Ask where things come from.

Don't nod on the phone.

Left-Handed Golf Clubs
A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."
If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house," the wife asks, would she sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed."

Blessed be the little children
One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer "Dear Harold". At this, dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute, "How come you called God, "Harold"? The little boy looked up and said, "That's what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy name."

And this particular four-year-old prayed: "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence, and after church, asked: "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?" Gary answered soberly: "I asked God to teach me to whistle... And He just then did!"

One night Mike's parents overheard this prayer. "Now I lay me down to rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's test, if I should die before I wake, that's one less test I have to take."

A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night. "Dear God, thank you for these pancakes." When he concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken. He smiled and said, "I thought I'd see if He was paying attention tonight."

A little boy's prayer. "Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me. Oh, please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a big mess."

A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy: "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," the little girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say, " the mother said. The little girl bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer. "Fine," said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you." "Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Johnny. "I asked Him to help you put up with me."

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if You can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am!"
 
Fishing Trick
It was a cold winter day when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite.

He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not to far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line.

It only took about a minute and WHAM!, a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.

The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one.

This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time. He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?" To which the boy responded, "roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

"What was that?" The old man asked.

Again the boy responded, "roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

"Look" said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."

So the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

Lawyer versus Farmer
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the "Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, Now it's my turn.
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

A Long Time To Find A Lawyer
A young couple in love were in an automobile accident the night before their wedding, and both were killed. In heaven, they approached St. Peter.
"My fiancé and I really miss the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?"
St. Peter replied, "I'll tell you what -- after you have gone through an appropriate waiting period, we will talk about it again."
Five years pass and the couple still wanted to get married.
They approached St. Peter again, and he told them, "I'm sorry, I know that five years was a long time to wait, but there's a problem. You'll have to wait a little bit longer."
Another five years pass, when St. Peter excitedly approached the couple. "Your wait is over, and you may marry now. Thanks for your patience."
The couple got married.
Unfortunately, soon after the wedding, the couple realized that they were not compatible. Going to see St. Peter, they asked if their was such a thing as divorce in heaven.
St. Peter gave them a cold stare, and said sternly, "Look, it took us ten years to find a minister up here. Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

From a Woman's Point of View
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "Oklahoma State University."
And they say blondes are dumb...

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"
The woman says, "I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!

AND THE BEST ONE YET...
A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton

A PRAYER.... Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

Walking is good for you
Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.
  
The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

Blocked View
Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (whose habits partially blocked the view), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move.

In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH, THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE."

The second guy spoke up and said, "I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA, THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE."

The third guy said, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO, THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE."

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Valley East Today is published by
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