ON THE LIGHTER SIDE (December 19, 2006)

Life Explained......
On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field
with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give
milk to support the farmer.  I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."
And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door
of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.  I will give
you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll
give back the other ten."
So God agreed (sigh).
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do
monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."
Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so.
Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, and
enjoy.  Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way, man. Tell you what, I'll take my
twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten
monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play,
enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to
support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain
our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house
and bark at everybody.

ON THE LIGHTER SIDE (December 12, 2006)

The  Hotel  Bill....

Next time you think your hotel bill is  too high, you might want to use this  logic...

A husband and wife are traveling by  car from Key West to Boston. After almost  twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue,  and they decide to stop for a  rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a  room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours  and then get back on the road. When they  checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a  bill for $350.

The  man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He  tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the  rooms certainly aren't  worth $350. When the  clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists  on speaking to the  Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the  man, and then explains that the hotel has an  Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that  were available for the husband and wife to  use.
"But we didn't use them", the man  complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could  have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain  they could have taken in one of the shows for which  the hotel is  famous. "The best entertainers from New York,  Hollywood and Las Vegas performhere," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows,"  complains the man again.

"Well, we have them,  and you could have", the Manager replies..No  matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man  replies, "But we didn't  use it!"

The Manager  is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees  to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the  Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at  the check.

"But sir," he says, "this check is  only made out for $50."

"That's right," says  the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with  my wife."

"But I  didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
" Well," the man  replies, "she was here, and you could  have."'
Fifteen New Regulations in the Registry of 
Motor Vehicle's 2006 Handbook

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident Massachusetts driver avoids using them.

2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, because the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less of a chance you have of getting hit.

4. Warning! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in your being rear-ended.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially with NH plates. With no insurance, the other operator has nothing to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous, foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.

7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to prepare other drivers entering the highway.

8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in
Massachusetts during rush hour.

9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Massachusetts driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signaling. Massachusetts is the home of high-speed
slalom-driving along the Route 128 Speedway; thanks to the Department of Public Works, which puts pot-holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them alert.

12. It is traditional in Massachusetts to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not
move three milliseconds after the light turns green.

13. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or rollover, it is important to exit your vehicle thru the windshield right away. Wearing your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.

14. Remember that the goal of every Massachusetts driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.

15. In Massachusetts, 'flipping the bird' is considered a polite salute. This gesture should
always be returned.
Thank You,
The Massachusetts Registrar of Motor Vehicles

ON THE LIGHTER SIDE (December 5, 2006)

The Guys' Rules.....

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story.

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!  Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.  Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.  We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

ON THE LIGHTER SIDE (November 28, 2006)

Holiday Eating Tips
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the centre of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labour Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

ON THE LIGHTER SIDE (November 21, 2006)


After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more
and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.  As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old ask with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in.  At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"!

I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"

"You're both old," he replied.
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her.
I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued.

At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.

Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall  not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife,"
Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea."

The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?"
With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!"
When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in.
Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandma! ," he advised.
"Mine says I'm four."
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom,  guess what?  We learned how to make babies today." The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
"That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change "y" to "i" and add 'es'."
Children's Logic
Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
 "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup.
She asked, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"

Her grandson answered, "Grandma, it says on TV - "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!"
Susie Sunshine asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Jimmie's picture which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.

"The flight to Egypt." said Jimmy.

"I see, and that must be Mary, Joseph and Baby Jesus," Ms Susie said. But who's this person?"

"Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot."
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian. The children started discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant.

ON THE LIGHTER SIDE (November 7, 2006)

I want to thank all of you!

To all my friends and family, Thank you for making me safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy by sending me your dumb chain letters over the last year.

Because of your concern:

I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who  refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer go to movies because I could sit on a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer check the coin return slot on pay phones because I could get pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer causing deodorants even though I smell like a wet dog on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Quaida in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat pre-packaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me gay.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer look at the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I no longer have a cell phone because I don't want brain cancer.

I no longer have any sneakers because I would hate to see all those poor kids in the sweat shops overseas suffering because I wanted a pair of Nike shoes.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl about to die in the hospital for the 1,000,000,000th time.

I no longer have any money but that will change once I receive the $18,624 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me since I participated in their special e-mail program.

I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out  for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now if you DON'T send this e-mail to at least 12,000,000 of your closest friends in the next 60 seconds a large bird with diarrhea will crap on your head at exactly 5:00 pm tomorrow!!!!!!!!!
Medical terminology

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he
used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

ON THE LIGHTER SIDE (October 31, 2006)

Halloween Humor....

Why do some cemeteries have a sign that reads 'One Way - Do Not Enter' ?

Why do they put locks on cemetery gates?

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

Why is it that we never see ghosts of lower life forms?

Is it true you can make a witch scratch by taking away her 'w'?

Do ghosts drink evaporated milk?

Do witches stay home on weekends or do they go away for a spell?

Do cemeteries have fences around them because people are dying to get in?

Does a witch tell the time by looking at her witch watch?

If you take the circumference of your jack-o-lantern and divide it by its diameter wouldn't you get Pumpkin Pi?

Why do ghosts usually appear just before someone screams?

Is the reason why kids sometimes dress up in Mommy's old clothes for Halloween and not Daddy's because Daddies don't have any old clothes? Aren't they still wearing them?

Just who is it that models for all those Halloween Masks?

Why aren't there any Halloween carols?

Why is it that nobody ever dresses up as Santa Claus on Halloween?

If skeletons had a beauty contest, would 'no body' win?

Does Dracula keep his wife awake all night because of his coffin?

How come ghosts can walk through walls, but don't fall through the floor?

Why are there always more Twizzlers and Jawbreakers in trick-or-treat bags than Butterfingers or Kit-Kats?

Why exactly did that witch have an oven in her gingerbread house? Doesn't gingerbread burn easily? And what does she do when it rains? Don't you think there are better building materials out there for her to make her house out of?
You Have all the equipment....

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and starts to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "Isn't it obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
Watch out for them Arkansas Women !

Three men recently married were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Tennessee, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house.   He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Florida.  He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking.  He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better.  By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man said he had married an ARKANSAS girl.  He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.  He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.  Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.

Got to love them ARKANSAS girls especially the real healthy ones !

ON THE LIGHTER SIDE (October 24, 2006)

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good
person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused.

He told the warden, ''Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place.''
Seven Degrees of Being Blonde..... 

FIRST DEGREE A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at two in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde) picked up the phone, listened a moment, and said, "How should I know? That's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear." 

SECOND DEGREE Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror, and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!" 

THIRD DEGREE A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, and when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!" 

FOURTH DEGREE A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me. I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W." 

FIFTH DEGREE What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?" 

SIXTH DEGREE Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her U.S. government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question, then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware." 

SEVENTH DEGREE Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, but broke into tears at the sight of the cop and his dog. When the cop asked her what was the matter, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

 I had amnesia once -- or twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? Hmmmm?

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

The speed of time is one-second per second.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?


ON THE LIGHTER SIDE (October 17, 2006)


I loved the letters you printed about misinterpreting the Lord's Prayer. When my twin daughters were young, I  taught them to say this prayer before going to bed.  As I listened outside their door, I could hear them say,  "Give us this steak and daily bread, and forgive us our mattresses." My husband and I always had a good laugh over this. That was over 50 years ago, and the memory still remains in my heart.

From San Francisco: When I was a child, I learned this prayer as "Our Father, who are in Heaven, Howard be thy name." I always thought that was God's real name.

Groton, Mass. My mother spent her early childhood saying, 
"Hail Mary, full of grapes."

Missoula, Mont. My son, who is in nursery school, said, 
"Our Father, who art in Heaven, how didja know my name?"

Uniontown, Ohio I remember thinking this prayer was
"Give us this day our jelly bread."

Covina, Calif. I recall reading something years ago about the Pledge of Allegiance. Some child thought it began, "I led the pigeons to the flag."

Cleveland, Ohio When I was little, I often wondered who Richard Stands was. You know: "I pledge allegiance to the flag.. and to the republic for Richard Stands."

Schenectady, N.Y. I once knew a child whose favorite Sunday school song was "Gladly, the Cross-Eyed Bear."

Tampa, Fla. When my husband was 6 years old, he thought a certain prayer was "He suffered under a bunch of violets." The real words were "under Pontius Pilate," but at that age, he didn't know better. To this day, we still snicker in church whenever that prayer is read.

Lake Forest Park, Wash. When I was a little girl, we sang a song in Sunday school about Noah. Part of the chorus was "And the rains came down, and the floods came up." We lived next door to a couple of charming little girls who always sang this song while playing in their garden. Their words were, "And the rains came down, and the spuds came up."

Oak Harbor, Wash. When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion. On one occasion, he tugged at
her arm and asked, "What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?" Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when he learned
that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your seat."

Grand Junction, Colo. When I was younger, I believed the line was "Lead a snot into temptation." I thought I was praying for my little sister to get into trouble.
The Mommy Test.....

I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that. "Why? "Because it's been laying outside and it is dirty and probably has germs."

At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow!
How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "...all moms knows this stuff. Um, it's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "OH...I get It!" she beamed. "So if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."
Retired People

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. I went to the library the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a name. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a worse name. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner and this one had an "Elect Bush!" bumper sticker on it.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at our age.

ON THE LIGHTER SIDE (October 10, 2006)

Joys of Jogging

1. For every mile you jog, you add one minute to your life.  This enables you, at the age of 85, to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $5,000/month

2. The only reason I took up jogging was to hear heavy breathing again

3. I joined a health club last year, spending $400 in the process.  I haven't lost a pound.  Apparently you have to show up

4. I have to exercise early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing

5. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me

6. The advantage to exercising every day is that you die healthier

7. I have flabby thighs but fortunately my stomach covers them

8. If you are going to take up cross-country skiing, it helps to start with a small country

9. I don't jog; it makes me spill my milk shake

10. Actually, I don't exercise at all.  If we were meant to touch our toes, we would have them farther up on our body

The  Millionaire....

This young lady was on "The Millionaire" show and was doing well until she got to the last question.
The question was, "Which bird does not build it's own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
Is it, (A) the condor, (B) the buzzard, (C) the cuckoo, or (D) the vulture?"
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her audience poll lifeline. All that remained was her phone-a-friend lifeline. The woman's only friend that would be home was Jenny, a blonde.  She called Jenny, gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "The answer is (C): The cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy by giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand, the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certainty, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
"I need an answer," said Regis.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
"Yes, that is my final answer."
Regis said, "I regret to inform you that the answer is........absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of you, I am now a millionaire.  It was your certainty that convinced me to go with your choice. How did you know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks!"

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?   Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?  Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?   They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?    You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?  Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?  Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?  A Stick
8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?   Nacho Cheese
9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?   Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?  Quattro Sinko..

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?   Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?  Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?  A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?   Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?   Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?   Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?   Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?   The Location
      Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?   Because They Wore Their
      Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A
      Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
     Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer


ON THE LIGHTER SIDE - (October 3, 2006)

Quick  Fixes....

One weekend my friend, a nurse, was looking after her six-year-old nephew when he fell off a playground slide and hit his head. Worried that he might have a concussion, she checked him all night. Every hour, she'd gently shake him and ask, "What's your name?"

Soon, he began moaning in protest each time she entered the room. When she went in at 5 A.M., she found something white on his forehead. Leaning close, she saw a crayon-scrawled message taped to his forehead. It read, "My name is Daniel."

The bank manager noticed the new clerk was not very good at counting money and adding up figures.
"Where did you get your finance education?" he asked.
"Yale," replied the lad.
"And what's your name?" barked the manager.
"Yim Yohnston," he replied.

Our minister announced that the cost to attend a special church social event would be six dollars per person. "However, if you're over 65," he said, " the price will be only $5.50."
From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out, "Do you
really think I'd give you that information for only 50 cents?"

One may have good eyes and yet see nothing.
 -- Italian Proverb

Job  Applicant...

An applicant was filling out a job application.  When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of
coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?

Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . . .

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Published by
Robert Kirwan, President & C.E.O.
4456 Noel Crescent, Val Therese ON P3P 1S8
Phone: (705) 969-7215    
EMAIL   rkirwan@infocomcanada.com