Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent
work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must
possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be
willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and
weekends and
frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel
required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy
weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel
expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least
temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite
tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a
pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds
flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone
just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as
small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck
zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have
ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all
ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one
minute, and an embarrassment the next. Must handle
assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap,
plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must
assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end
product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for
years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating
your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass
you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a
continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A
balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption
that college will help them become financially independent. When
you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about
this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and this
wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition
reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered;
this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and
free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
